Thursday, January 14, 2010

Changing Closets

Yesterday I was feeling sad because i was embarking on the inevitable task of moving Judah from size 12-18mth into his more appropriate 18-24mth clothes. I know, silly...right?? So, I texted my Sis, Beki, because I always do whenever I'm in the middle of this particularly disheartening project. She doesn't laugh at me or make me feel silly for being such a hopeless sentimentalist. But...I've found that with Judah being my last child...its so hard for me to pack away those tiny little clothes...never to be seen again on one of my children. I don't know why I feel so sad about it. I mean, I've talked to other moms about it...and sometimes they share similar feelings. This year I realized something for the first time. Many girls (me included) spend their entire preteen and teenage and young adult years dreaming about what our futures holds...what will our life look like? Who will we marry? Where will we live? How many kids will we have? Will they be boys or girls or both?? And so, for me.....after years of dreaming and questions have suddenly been answered...I have a wonderful husband and three most adorable boys....and now......what....? We spend the entire first half of our life anticipating and wondering about this most amazing time of our life...and never giving much thought to "what comes after". Its been a strange feeling for me. I am finished....I will never be pregnant again....never give birth...or hold my very own newborn....or nurse. I am so thankful that the Lord allowed me this special season in my life. So many ladies have so much trouble in this area....and many have even lost babies to miscarriage...and so I do not take it for granted and I tell my boys every night as I put them to bed that they are a GIFT from God. Samuel says, "I'm a Christmas present, mommy??" Hahaha...such a sweetie.

They don't fully understand what I'm saying when I call them a gift....but they will, one day. Anyway...with every bin that I pack up and put away...I feel like its a goodbye. Some of us are hardly affected by goodbyes....but I have never handled them well. The mere mention of the word "goodbye" often evokes certain unwelcome emotions. As I see his clothing getting shorter and tighter on him...I know the "goodbye" is minutes away:-( And my natural instict is to dig my heels in, lean back with all my weight, and pull on that rope with all I'm worth to pull the ever-onward, forward-moving life to a halt....but I can't do that. Why can't he just "stay in this size clothing forever"??? I know...the wording sounds silly. But the heart behind it is saying, "I'm loving you at this size....but you just keep growing bigger and older and you keep pulling farther and farther away from me....and its inevitable...but I don't feel ready for it...." But we have to....let go, I mean. From the time they pull free of our hands and take those first wobbly steps....we have to let them go. If we hold on....we become a hindrance to them rather than a catalyst in their growth and development, physically and emotionally and spiritually. I always cringe a little when I'm at the playground and moms are telling their boys, "Don't climb that....its too big for you"...or "you aren't big enough to try that"...or other such comments. WHAT??? Boys were made to climb. They were made for adventure. So, get behind them in case they stumble or'll be there to offer support and encouragement! Go to the top and reach your arms down tell them you are there waiting for them....they can do it!!! Don't tell them they aren't big enough or strong enough...this is a question they grapple with their entire life....(for more on this topic read "The Way of the Wild Heart").

So....its a time in my life that I'm having to readjust my thinking a little bit. Did I think I would just go on having babies for the rest of my life? Hahaha. Nope...these things come to an end:-) And although its a little sad....its also very exciting. When my four year old comes home and tells me (without my prompting), " know what my memory verse is??? 'Be kind to one another.'"....I know that his spirit is open and learning about Jesus....and now I have the opportunity to really focus on the three of them love in their own personal love languages...and having that individual time with each of them. Each of the boys have vastly different personalities...its really incredible how different they are. But thats because God purposed something for each of their lives that only they can do....and I can't wait to see what that is! Hmmm....all this because I moved him up to the next size clothing:-)

Look at those three!! They are just itching to get in there and swim around with the seals!!! Hahaha. I guess the question could be....would you rather your kids be the ones sitting in the stands watching the game where its safe...or do you want them right down there in the middle of the field gettin' dirty with best of them:-)


Rebekah said...

ok, you totally made me cry! *SIGH* And you know, you totally helped me to see the articulation of what God has been working in my own heart about me and Tobin not having a baby. I wish all the mommies out there who have that feeling of sadness at not having another one could read this. And Im not saying those feelings aren't ok, or normal,,,lol. But it's sort of like you said "am I just going to keep having babies forever?" haha So thank you my beautiful sister for once again, putting yourself out there. "And thank you Lord for thwe ork You are doing in mine and Corrie's hearts to be able to be thankful in these next steps of no babies-Amen"

elizabeth said...

i miss you, girl! i love reading all your wisdom and perspective you are writing! i love hearing what's on your heart! you're awesome!

Cynthia said...

Well, I wrote all my comments about this under the Moses page! Keep on wroting - you are such a blessing and Godhas obviously given you the gift of writing! Don't know why I register as Cynthia - and don't know how to change it!

CindyRae53 said...

OK, I think I have my name fixed now...